I took second place in my round for the NYCM Short Story contest with Baby Jane Doe. I didn’t post that story here because I know I can find it a home somewhere pretty much as-is (even though my judging feedback was all-over-the-damned-place).
So yeah, round 2. I didn’t have time to write, so of course, I scored SUPER STRONG. It was Matthew’s birthday celebration weekend and we had plans for a big party on Saturday. We had the AZ Pride Parade and Festival on Sunday. Friday, I realized I’d totally missed a project that was due. (oops!) At one point on Sunday, I was sitting across from my daughter after marching in the Pride parade, and I said, “So yeah, I finished my NYCM story.” and she goes, “WHEN?!”
The kicker was that I was given “Horror” as a genre prompt. I really am NOT a horror writer. And I definitely did NOT have the emotional bandwidth last weekend to produce a true horror piece. Thankfully, the second part of my prompt saved me… “a renovation.” I’m sure we can all agree — home renovation is horror, no zombies required.
The result ended up being more of a dark comedy than a horror piece. We shall see if it flies. If anything, I kind of love it… even if the process of writing it was horrific in and of itself.
Without any further blathering, I give you:
#Blessed
Horror / A renovation / A researcher
When a home renovation goes from “blessing” to “curse,” sharing every step of the process on Twitter isn’t the greatest idea.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 18 Apr
The #HauserHomeRenovation starts next week. Rob’s bonus wasn’t quite what we expected, so we’re going to have to do a lot ourselves… lots to research. Still… #Blessed
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 18 Apr
We’ve got this, hon! You’re the research professor. If anyone can figure it out, you can!
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 18 Apr
I know your house will be as adorable as you and your hubs when you’re done. #Following
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 18 Apr
Haha… I’m planning on sharing everything! Maybe I can make #HauserHomeRenovation trend. And with summer break coming up, I’ll have lots of time to work on it. #SoExcited
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 19 Apr
I hope I get an invite to the housewarming. House re-warming? No, that sounds like it died or something.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 19 Apr
Who even is she? ^^^^
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 19 Apr
LOL friend of a friend (of a friend?) Gotta love social media.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 22 Apr
We picked out paint and flooring. Who knew that would take 5 hours?! Our living room wall color is “Whispering Peach.” #WhoNamesTheseThings The flooring is just called Redwood. #BoringFlooring
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 25 Apr
The #HauserHomeRenovation is underway! I got to use a sledgehammer today. Rob says he’s never going to piss me off again. I wonder what that’s all about. #JustKidding #SortOf
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 25 Apr
No. Really. She’s terrifying. The living room had no idea what was coming.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 25 Apr
I’m just glad there are only a few weeks left in the semester. #HangingInThere
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 14 May
Good news: the living room floor is out. Bad news: the creaky spot just doesn’t look right underneath. All my research says “hire an inspector.” @ITGeekRob thinks we can level it ourselves. #ButImTheResearchExpert #HauserHomeRenovation #GoTeam #WeGotThis
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 15 May
You two are an inspiration! Maybe I’ll paint my bedroom.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 15 May
Our incentive to fix it quickly: It’s hard to walk in a house with no floors.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 31 May
Aaaand now @Cyndi37 and I know why the outlet in the hall stopped working. Barbequed Mouse. Smells delightful. Still no floors or drywall in the living room. Now the hallway, too.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 31 May
I can’t believe you just shared a picture of the dead mouse in our walls. Gross.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 31 May
At least I didn’t take pictures of the cat trying to eat it.
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 31 May
Ew! Ew! Eeeeeeew! (You guys are so adorbs)
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 31 May
Why are we documenting this online, again?
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 31 May
You can’t stop now. Post more!
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 19 Jun
After weeks of failed flooring and drywall installation attempts, we finally ordered a #HomeInspection to see why we can’t get anything to level. Probably should have started with one. It’s only $300. #LiveAndLearn #HauserHomeRenovation
Saeed Rashad @RashRush ˑ 19 Jun
Just got our inspection back yesterday. Hope yours helps as much as ours did!
Amelda Rayne @OilsAreMagic ˑ 19 Jun
U probably have pixies. They’re devious. Try sprinkling salt and sage at ur doorways.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 19 Jun
Who are these people commenting?
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 19 Jun
OMG you’re trending!
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 22 Jun
Did you know that house foundations can settle and slowly tear your home apart? Yeah, me neither. Also, #mold. Turns out my allergies were actually my house trying to kill me. #WhoKnew? #HauserHomeRenovation #CantAffordContractors
Amelda Rayne @OilsAreMagic ˑ 22 Jun
Eucalyptus oil opens the airways of ur home and body. Send me ur address for a sample.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 25 Jun
Brought in an “expert.” Foundation repair will eat the remainder of Rob’s bonus and then some. I guess the new windows will have to wait. #WeHaveToAffordContarctorsNow #Shrug #HauserHomeRenovation
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 25 Jun
It’s total bullshit. Seriously.
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 26 Jun
#ThisTooShallPass
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 26 Jun
Rob’s just pissy because we have to do all the drywall ourselves now. Since that was the plan all along, I dunno why he’s so upset. Again… #Shrug
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 26 Jun
If Cyndi could just take the sledgehammer to the rest of the house, it would make me much happier. I’m sick of stepping through open floors.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 26 Jun
Also, it was 95 degrees yesterday. Guess who has two thumbs and is drenched in his own sweat? This guy!
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 26 Jun
We get insulation tomorrow. #CalmDown
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 28 Jun
It’s 3 AM. Every bone in my body hurts. I’m covered in fiberglass shards. It’s like a million knives. One section of the batting just won’t FUCKING stay up. #HauserHomeRenovation #Insulation #FreshNewHell
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 28 Jun
Calm down
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 28 Jun
Says the guy who gave up and went to bed at 11.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 28 Jun
What can I say? I was tired.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 28 Jun
Your life insurance is up to date, yes? #WheresMySledgeHammer
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 28 Jun
Now you two… don’t make me come over there.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 28 Jun
@Cyndi37, I really hope you’re not telling these people where we live!
Amelda Rayne @OilsAreMagic ˑ 1 Jul
U really should try the eucalyptus. Maybe some lavender. I’ll send those samples whenever u want!
Saeed Rashad @RashRush ˑ 1 Jul
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 3 Jul
Rob surprised me with a 2-night stay at an in-town resort. I guess I’ll let him live. They’re going to fix the foundation while we’re away. #HauserHomeRenovation
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 3 Jul
At least the resort will have a fucking floor.
Cyndi Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 3 Jul
#NotWrong
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 3 Jul
Awwwwwww you guys are my FAVORITE! #PowerCouple #ForeverAndEver
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 3 Jul
Mary can shut up now.
Cyndi Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 3 Jul
#AlsoNotWrong
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 28 Jul
@Cyndi37 @ITGeekRob are you guys still alive? Haven’t heard about the #HauserHomeRenovation in a while. I need proof of life!
Saeed Rashad @RashRush ˑ 29 Jul
@ShezMary, my wife and I finished our renovation. IT’S SO AWESOME! Come check it out. #RashadRadReno
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 1 Aug
Sorry it’s been a while since I posted. We finally got the living room floor in. And it’s level! #HauserHomeRenovation #MiraclesDoHappen #NotDoneYet
Amelda Rayne @OilsAreMagic ˑ 1 Aug
U sound much more calm. See, Oils ARE magic!
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 1 Aug
News flash: eucalyptus can make SOME people break out in hives. You know, people like me. Cyndi doesn’t care because “it keeps her centered.” #eyeroll Fuck… now I’m using hashtags.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 2 Aug
Also, the floor still squeaks.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 4 Aug
Hmmm… no more comments. I guess our adoring fans have all jumped ship in favor of #RashadRadReno… I can’t say I’m not jealous. His house looks fucking great.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 5 Aug
All good feelings gone. Rob severed wires in the hallway wall. But it’s okay… he “fixed it.” Now when I flip the hall light switch, the coffee pot turns on. #ItsPossessed #HauserHouseOfHorror
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 5 Aug
Still cheaper than an electrician, and more coffee! Yay!
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 5 Aug
Yeah. No. I called an electrician. Consider it your Christmas present.
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 5 Aug
@Cyndi37 you like French Roast, right? I’ll bring some over.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 5 Aug
How does she know that?
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 5 Aug
@ITGeekRob, LOL silly. She posts from Starbucks every Saturday morning. Hey, I could meet you there!
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 5 Aug
O.o
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 6 Aug
I finished mudding the drywall in the living room. No amount of research could have prepared me for that. It looks like it was done by a toddler and I don’t even care. #DoneIsBetterThanPerfect #LumpyWalls #HauserHomeRenovation
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 6 Aug
Check out my favorite photo of the process so far. I call it “Cat Cost Me $550 at the Emergency Vet Because Drywall Mud is DELICIOUS!” We are never having kids.
Saeed Rashad @RashRush ˑ 6 Aug
Figured I’d check in to see how things were going and was SO not disappointed. I’m writing a how-to book on stress-free home renovations. Want a copy? #RashadRadReno
Amelda Rayne @OilsAreMagic ˑ 12 Aug
@Cyndi37, I don’t understand why @ITGeekRob called the police.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 12 Aug
Um, because you were burning shit on my front lawn?
Amelda Rayne @OilsAreMagic ˑ 12 Aug
It wasn’t shit. It was lemongrass and sage to purge the bad energy. I probably should have rung the doorbell first.
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 12 Aug
As if the doorbell works in this godforsaken hell hole. Anyway, don’t burn shit in my yard.
Amelda Rayne @OilsAreMagic ˑ 12 Aug
@Cyndi37, it’s no wonder this has been so hard on u! So much negativity!
Robert Hauser @ITGeekRob ˑ 12 Aug
@Cyndi37, will you please block this nutjob?
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 13 Aug
Oh sure, @OilsAreMagic gets to meet you in person. We’ve been talking for months! Where’s my invitation?
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 13 Aug
Literally none of this is worthy of a response.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 14 Aug
Painted the walls. This peach color does NOT whisper. It screams at the top of its lungs. Coupled with the REDwood flooring, my living room looks like a circus tent. #BeyondCaring
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 14 Aug
Oh, Fall semester starts Monday. #HaventFinishedTheSyllabus #FuckMyLife
Amelda Rayne @OilsAreMagic ˑ 14 Aug
@Cyndi37, I’ll send you some samples
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 14 Aug
@OilsAreMagic, only if they’re paint samples… and free paint… and vodka.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 1 Sept
Haven’t seen Rob since Tuesday. He’s “taking a break.” #WhateverThatMeans At least the hall lights work again. #OneDemonDown #MoreToGo
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 1 Sept
My boyfriend left me, too. I’ll come over… we can cry together.
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 1 Sept
Do NOT come to my house.
Mary Shezzard @ShezMary ˑ 1 Sept
Don’t worry… if Rob isn’t there, no one will call the cops. I’ll bring vodka!
Cyndi Hauser @Cyndi37 ˑ 2 Sept
Finally got the last of the flooring down in the hallway. Then I heard the cat meowing… under the floorboards. #HauserHorrorHouse #BurnItAll #SaveTheCatFirst
