Rants · Writing

Dear Parents: You Suck


Harsh, I know. But you need to know how being wishy-washy, noncommittal jackasses affects the world outside of your personal bubble.

What am I talking about, you ask? The birthday party RSVP.

When you get a birthday party invitation from us, it’s because my child wants to see your child at his party. We don’t hand out birthday invitations to every child, because (to be blunt) I don’t want to pay for party guests that my kid doesn’t even like to hang out with.

So when your child hands you an invitation from my child, it represents a thought-out choice. My child is excited to see your son or daughter at his party. He’s elated he has the opportunity to invite kids to come do something fun and exciting, like roller skating, or rock climbing, or paintball. We’ve planned an amazing, fun afternoon of celebration, and we’ve handed out invitations well in advance so that you, dear parent, have time to plan.

squirrelsAll I ask is that you call me and tell me whether or not you’re able to show up. Even a solid “maybe” is fine, as long as you follow up later.

When you don’t RSVP… when our invitation goes into your giant black hole, never to acknowledged… it leaves my kid wondering: are they busy? Do they just not want to come to my party? Is no one showing up?

I end up explaining to my kid that no, it’s none of those things… it’s that parents suck. They are so absorbed in their day-to-day that they don’t stop to think, “Hey, whether we can go or not, I should probably respond to this.”

It’s right there at the bottom of the invitation: Please RSVP. My phone number. It even says you can text me if you hate using the phone feature of your phone.

Last year, I got one RSVP for my son’s birthday. 14 kids showed up. I was glad I guessed wisely.

This year, I have 2 RSVPs from 15 invitations. I honestly have no clue how many kids are going to show up to the party. And it’s tomorrow.

Parents, you make it very difficult to have fun. You make it impossible to plan. And the kicker – if I didn’t RSVP to your little Suzy’s party, you’d have a hissy fit similar to this one.

So yes, parents: you suck.

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