Is it Mother’s Day weekend yet?
How about now?
I’m ready for my break in a big, big way. The last several days have been an insomnia-induced fog zone of complete and utter zombie-Shanan. Yesterday, I could hardly feel my feet I was so tired.
I swear there are Universal forces, and that those forces enjoy fucking with us for their own, sick amusement. I picture them as squat, dark-purple aliens with giant, black orbs for eyes, sitting behind banks of 60s-era control panels, watching and waiting for someone to announce their plans. They push a couple of buttons, wiggle a joystick and then high-five each other over the sound of their own maniacal laughter.
Have you ever hear the expression, “…and then life threw me a curve ball?” These Universe-controlling alien jackasses are the Sandy Koufaxes of plan-altering annoyances.
This week we started our 30 Days to Less Screen Time challenge. I won’t give away the entire update here (that will happen Monday on the Better Family Habits blog). I’ll just say it wasn’t entirely a bust, but my lack of sleep made the word challenge take on its full meaning. Hell, it was a challenge just walking a straight line by yesterday.
In my giddy, punchy haze, I told my husband last night that the curve balls of life are far more frequent than life’s normal pitches. We make plans, the purple punks at the control panel respond, and our plans go haywire. It’s a fairly consistent observation. I believe at this point, Plan = Curve Ball is more like a solid postulate, if not outright Universal Law.
I’ve decided I’m going to stop voicing my plans entirely. I’ll sneak up on life. Attack it from behind. It’ll never see me coming.
Hey look, Universe… I just impromptu planted my garden! No warning! No time for you to suddenly change the forecast from “80 and partially cloudy” to “120 with sun death rays” or alternately “Hail the size of grapefruits.”
Howdy Universe, I just took a hot bath and read for a whole hour! No warning… just did it! So sorry you weren’t able to have the cat trip my on the way up the stairs, causing me to sprain my ankle.
How about that, Universe… I just threw all my stuff into the car for a last-minute get-away… already booked the hotel (Priceline, FTW!) so you can’t get me there. And it’s only 10 miles from the house… even if you decide to blow out a tire on my car, I’ll fucking walk the rest of the way.
Yes, it’s time to be discreet when it comes to the Universe. I can almost see their evil little antennae twitching…
So, what will I be doing on my Mother’s Day weekend?
No way I’ll let anyone know.
Especially not those asshats at Universe Central… take that, you puny, purple jerks.